Welcome to an all new web-series about the misadventures of two idiotic screen printers (Bobby Pickles and Matthew Piazza) and their crew of ragtag misfits. In this first episode, Bobby discusses his self-loathing identity as a "Floridiot" and Piazza comes up with a #TSHIT idea. Music by the illustrious Nick Ameen.
FLORIDA, HOME SCUM HOME - (Skit Transcribed)
Pickles: Yo, Piazza. Have you ever heard of Carl Hiaasen?
Pickles: He writes for the Miami Herald. He’s also wrote a shit-ton of novels about Florida and how fucked up and scummy of a place it is.
Piazza: Oh! He’s probably a good read.
Pickles: That he is. The characters in his books are all miscreants, pure scum: thieves, lowlifes, shady politicians – all inspired by real people and true events. You’d be a great character in one of his books.
Piazza: What!? Why would I be a great character? Fuck you.
Pickles: He’s quoted as saying "The Sunshine State is a paradise of scandals teeming with drifters, deadbeats, and misfits drawn here by some dark primordial calling like demented trout. And you'd be surprised how many of them decide to run for public office."
Piazza: Those other things may be true, but I’d never run for public office. You see, I’m a true scum. I only care about myself. I have no care at all for the public. And yes, I was drawn here, but you were born here. You were born amongst the scum. You were germinated in scum. Plus, you don’t even know what a trout looks like and you were raised in a fishing village.
Pickles: Yea, but both of my parents were from Connecticut. I come from carpetbagging northerners, not rednecks. They were the ones who, like you, were scum. They moved here then had me. I had no choice in the matter. But at leas I’m self aware. The place they grew up had history. The place I grew up had humidity. Their place of birth had family values. Mine had family issues.
Piazza: I think it’s really nice of your parents to save you the trip from up north, because you would have ended up here anyway.
Pickles: Piazza, you’re absolutely right. I am a Floridiot. It’s true. And I was born here. This is also a fact. But one fact remains, my friend. You made a conscious decision to move here. You took all the change out of your couch, you collected all of the cans you could, and rumor has it that you gave at least two hand jobs to get down here. And, if you tipped the continental United States a little bit, all the scum and sludge would drip all the way down the peninsula, down North Dixie highway … right past our shop.
Piazza: Yea, well I dripped into it.
Pickles: And I’m happy you did, you little scum.
Piazza: That makes one of us.
Pickles: I’d like to cite my outspoken Uncle Mark, who solidified this for me in words, “All the scums from all the different states move to Florida to start over”.
Piazza: Well, it sounds like your Uncle Mark is a wise man.
Pickles: Yea, he really is. But then again, half of us live here.
Pickles: Florida is a scumbag state and I will probably run for Governor someday.
Piazza: (Snaps) I just had a wicked good idea for a t-shirt.